Free shipping on all skincare shop now

12 tips to gain confidence after a tragedy by Di Riddell

May 01, 2017

12 tips to gain confidence after a tragedy by Di Riddell

Have you ever been sitting in a cafe and watched a confident woman walk towards you, she stands tall and straight, she walks at an easy flowing pace, she has a lovely smile on her face - she just looks confident and comfortable in her own skin. She owns the space around her. Have you then thought 'I want some of what she has got'?

I have...

Let's stop and ponder for a moment about the gift of confidence, it is a gift that goes on giving. It is a cornerstone of life. It is a living breathing energy that waxes and wanes, it is not still and stagnant. You don't 'get it' once, hang it on the wall and have it forever.  Confidence can be shaken or shattered by  experiences and your life can change in a heartbeat. Rape is one of those experiences.


When you gain or regain confidence after your body has been ravaged, damaged and discarded.. it a gift. A gift that will make you strong, a gift that will make you aware and a gift that will support you as you move forwards. 

What is Confidence? It is that extraordinary energy in you that is attractive, strong, vibrant and engaging. You know it when you see it...and say 'I want some of that'.                

"We know that confidence and resiliency reign because we survive to tell our tales of success and misfortune, trauma, abuse. Indeed, we are built to be able to go to the edge of life and come back with our heart and soul elevated. . . . We are built to be resilient, to be able to step up and over rocky terrain and gain confidence."

I have a Confidence tree  - You may be going along in life smoothly, feeling very confident when suddenly life gives you a shake or a shudder. It feels like the bottom has fallen out of your world and you ask where is my confidence when I need it?
Actually it is still in there, waiting to surface, it is temporarily buried.  

Picture a bonsai tree with it sturdy branches slightly curved coming from a firm strong trunk. When you are confident you are sitting on top of that tree. When something happens you fall a few branches.
You feel you have hit the roots or gone underground.
When you have the strategies to access your inner confidence and bring it to work in your current situation then you know the secret of my confidence tree.
Learning about your confidence tree is part of my confidence mentoring.


We start from where you are and climb back up that tree. What can cause you to fall? There is a myriad of reasons and rape is a biggie.

Let's be honest, life is not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes we struggle within ourselves, sometimes we loose our footing, sometimes we simply need to surrender and reach out for help.

When you reach out for help, you get to see your challenge through another set of ears, another set of eyes and share another's heart space. 


12 Tips for regaining Confidence after a rape                     

  1. Be kind to yourself and know you are OK and that you are not alone. You may think there is something wrong with you. The good news is - you are not the problem, you just haven't been equipped with the tools required to be confident. They are skills not taught in traditional education however they can be learned.
  2. Take life one day by day, avoid looking to far ahead for the moment. Deal with each day as it comes.
  3. Reach out and get the help you need. It may be professional, it may be from a support group of others who been through a similar experience, they understand and it gives you somewhere safe to express your concerns. Yes, reach out to avoid isolating.
  4. Cultivate the art of gratitude and forgiveness. The sense of peace you achieve sets you free. It does not condone the act, you are doing this for you. I came to this point before I wrote and self published my story 'Beyond Abuse'.
  5. Do mindset work everyday that includes reading, listening to podcasts, YouTube using whatever medium appeals to you and that will change over time as you continue to grow. One of my favourite sayings is 'remember to dress your mind daily just as you dress your body'.
  6. Follow daily rituals that could be EFT (tapping), 5min Confidence Exercise, meditating, visualisations, mirror work. Mirror work is a powerful tool for building your self love, self belief and your self confidence.
  7. Journalling is a powerful tool for 'getting stuff' out of your head, it allows you to see how far you have come and journalling into the future is another form of visualisation.
  8. Self care, nurturing and loving your body. Eating healthy food, getting fresh air and regular exercise, a massage, a bubble bath, listening to healing music or visit the Advanced Skin Spa.
  9. Embrace change and challenges. we can either choose or have it thrust upon us. Living in a place of no-confidence leaves you repeating the same mistakes, in victim mentality and not acting to improve your life because you think positive change is impossible.                               
  10. Be playful and have fun. Some therapists suggest that you indulge in a pleasurable activity for 30 min daily.
  11. Mix with happy confident people, confidence is contagious, it loves company.
  12. Whatever you choose don't let it stop you living your life. the rapist may have taken one night of your life, don't allow them to take over your life. 

Confidence will help you to be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help and brave enough to ask for it.


The excerpt gives a great perspective.

"Inner Beauty: A Book of Virtues" on a symbol of the lotus flower. It reads: The main thing about a lotus flower is that it has its root in the mud. It cannot grow without the mud, and yet its petals are pristine... the lotus flower doesn't turn mud into anything. Mud is mud. Yet mud also had nutrients needed to aid the flower's growth. It is the same for us. We are in a situation that we don't like - "in the mud". And yet it is probably the most secure position there is if we could only recognise it, not distort it, and let it "grow us'.








You would like to be that woman but right now you are feeling -

  • Flattened after a life changing event, overwhelmed, anxious, lost, seeking but not sure what?":
  • You may be scared to reach out because you don't want anyone to know you are not coping
  • You may be thinking I am alone, everyone else is coping why can't I?
  • The 'if only's' flood your mind and stop you doing things
  • You deflect what is going on so you don't have to face a new future with just you.
  • Seeking to make a change and not sure how to start
  • You just don't want that stuff anymore and you are ready and willing to make a positive change

'He took one night of my life'

Sitting in a cafe I watched this lady walk towards me, she stood tall and straight, she walked at an easy flowing pace, she had a lovely smile on her face - she just looked confident and comfortable in her own skin. She owned the space around her.

I looked at her and thought 'I want some of what she has got'.

What a dream, what a pipe dream that was for me at that time. Let me share a story with you.  I was 16 years of age and 'in recovery' after a pack rape, pregnancy and a forced adoption. Those terrifying experiences and the stigma attached to 'that bad behaviour' had left me feeling alone, scared, intimidated, and very, very sad and lacking in confidence.

You may know someone like that, that someone may have been you.

Tucking that dream away I got on with life and it took many detours. I was told to go nursing and put something back into society' because 'no decent man would ever want you'. So I went nursing and became officious and efficient, no one was going to get the better of me again...ever.

Suddenly, the dream started to come true, I met this amazing, warm loving man. We fell in love and had a marriage of 31 years until he departed for the heavenly fields.

Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help and brave enough to ask for it

When you have lack of confidence -

The good news is - you are not the problem is that you haven't been equipped with the tools required to be confident. They are not skills taught in traditional education.

Living in a place of no-confidence leaves you with repeating the same mistakes, in victim mentality and not acting to improve your life because you think positive change is impossible.

The good news is that attitude can be changed. When you use the language of possibility, take action to improve your life trust your inner being ...real confidence and positive change occurs.

Confident people see the world differently to the non-confident. They see opportunities where the others see problems. When you become confident and trust in yourself you begin to solve your own problems and move forward easily and effortlessly.


The movie 'The Help' offers poignant, memorable quotes -  one that suits Pat is :

You is kind

You is smart

You is beautiful


Be a girl with a mind

A woman with an attitude

And a lady with class

            Together they create confidence in you.

The relief I felt the day I could say 'He took one night of my life'


More about Di Riddell 

* Di is passionate about Confidence for Women 50+ or those who will be. Mature Women have so much to offer – they have lived, lost, laughed cried and moved mountains. Yet sometimes life and time get in the way. Di shares about those times… Her gift is her ability to simply and graciously help women when they say… ‘its time… its time for me….to guide them as they enhance their confidence, spirit and sensuality in their world.



* She is a Speaker, self published Author ,Facilitator and MC . Master Practitioner of NLP, Certified Life Coach and Confidence mentor. Member: Toastmasters International for almost 4 decades and recipient of an International Presidential Citation




Leave a comment